I'm halfway through the longest term of my life.


I want to write something meaningful, something that will make me feel better, but it's just not happening.


I'm angry, I'm horribly confused, I'm teetering on what feels like a breakdown and I not only don't know who to trust or how the hell to change it.


It's all so very melodramatic, though. And I hate it.


Ugh. I don't know what else to say right now. All I know is I'm so goddamn tired and I still have another 22 weeks of this bullshit, plus summer term just so I can graduate.


Well, at least there's alcohol to get me through. Right?


...That's totally not a healthy way to think.


Balls.

It's the night before classes tomorrow and instead of making dinner and getting my ducks in a row so I'm prepared, I have to go film a scene for a student film. Here's the thing: I am happy to help out someone and I can't really complain that someone wrote a script and only thought of me for the lead female part. It's flattering and if nothing else, it's good to practice.


The problem is it sucks. I mean, really, really, really sucks.


It's just totally unbelievable. The characters are cliche, the dialog is stilted and unnatural, the plot is just... bad. It's a student film so obviously there are going to be a lot of problems because everyone who's working on it is still learning. But, I feel like the film program at my school is really hurting, rather than helping, it's students. So many of the people who come out of it have maybe worked with actors once, which really doesn't say much. None of them know how to actually direct people. And being a director most certainly does NOT mean you are a writer (George Lucas, anyone?) which would definitely explain why this particular script is so bad. They also are just learning and beginning to become more comfortable behind a camera, so they're shots are usually boring or jump around so much you start to feel slightly nauseous.


I know I sound really harsh and kinda bitchy for saying all this, and I really don't mean to be so rude. I just am having a lot of trouble committing to something like this when really, I just want to focus on school, auditions for the Fall term, and graduating at the end of the year. I know that's what my director is trying to do as well, or else he wouldn't even be making the movie to begin with, but I feel like if I were at least... proud of the work I am doing, my willingness to participate would go up substantially.


And of course, this doesn't really help my stress-level anyway.


My adviser still has YET to call me back or email me. Classes start tomorrow and I still don't know if I'm going to be able to take one of my required classes as an independent study because if I can't, I'm kinda fucked. I can't afford to come back to school for one more term to pay full, out of state tuition just to take this class because all my other options conflict. And the thing is, SHE KNOWS THIS. I told her about my problems MONTHS ago. And the independent study thing? That was HER IDEA.


I have literally been trying to do everything I could to get a hold of her to get this figured out, short of showing up on her front doorstep and yelling. I'm trying desperately to remain calm and keep my frustration at bay, but I feel like when I do eventually see her, if she mentions anything, I may not be able to be polite. Which isn't going to do me any favors so I'm hoping I'll be able to keep it together, but come on! She knew I wanted to get this figured out. She knew I needed to finish working out my schedule and that I wouldn't be able to until I figured out this last god damn class. And she DEFINITELY knew about my financial worries about continuing an extra, unnecessary term.


I just don't get it. I've called. I've emailed. I've gone to her office. NOTHING.


And now I just found out from someone else who, apparently, she's been all too happy to email back and forth with, that she won't even be at the first day of classes because she's celebrating Yom Kippur. (Happy Yom Kippur to all my Jewish friends, though. I understand that you obviously want to observe the day, it's just that this feel like a cherry on top of my shit cake.)


Anyway, I'm just going to grit and bear it this week. I'll go to classes and work. I'll do my damndest to kick ass at my audition on Wednesday which I already have some concerns over because of certain people (which I'll have to write about at another time because I don't have the time or mental capacity to open up that can of worms right now). I'm going to just do what I need to do to graduate and get the hell out of here.


It's just unfortunate that classes haven't even started yet and already I'm freaked out.


Be zen. Be the Dali Lama. You are one with the world... or something.






...Balls.

Note to self: When you write something and put it up for people to see, more often than not, it will be horribly misinterpreted.


Keep in mind that the people reading it don't know you at all so they don't get what is obvious to you. For example, when you write something you know is hilarious and witty and extremely tongue-in-cheek, most people who don't have the same sense of humor (if they have one at all) will read it and actually think it's true. It's going to be shocking just how offended they'll get, too, when you see how terribly misunderstood they are and how they truly took everything so seriously. So much so, in fact, that you almost feel guilty about posting it in the first place.


Just to be clear: Chances are, you aren't in the wrong and you really don't need to apologize. Regardless, it's just your thoughts or opinions or what have you, so if people want to be crazy and get butt-hurt, that's their problem; not yours. But if you know you were just being playful and trying to be funny, then there's really nothing to worry about. Most people like to make something out of nothing because it makes them feel important to police a silly website and pass judgments on something as inconsequential as a silly post.


You can try and explain it to them, just so you can at least get it out there that they obviously misinterpreted your meaning, but don't waste your time arguing because it's not worth it. More often than not, they just want to bitch and moan and make you feel small because it makes them feel better. It's childish and pretty similar to a schoolyard bully, the only difference being that they have the anonymity of the internet to give them even more room to be as nasty and stupid as they want.


Anyway, don't sweat it. For every stupid cunt-nugget out there, there are people who will read what you write and totally get it. They'll think it's funny and understand that it was all written with a great sense of sarcasm. They might even agree in a weird way.


Besides, who really cares about anyone who's going to get that worked up over something like that? It's REALLY NOT WORTH IT.


That's all. :)

Dear John Krasinski,

So, don't get me wrong. I'm really, very, happy for you. Emily Blunt is gorgeous, talented, and seems like a lovely girl. And I know, for me, anytime I hear a man with a British accent speak, I literally melt. You're obviously crazy about her and you two make each other very happy. And really, that's the most important thing. When you decide to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want it to be a person who makes you happy; someone you love seeing everyday when you wake up in the morning and before you go to sleep at night. Making a promise to be with someone for the rest of your life is enormous, so obviously you want to be sure. And, even though I don't actually know you personally, I feel like you aren't the type of person who would just make a rash decision to get married to someone unless you knew that it was real.


But seriously, dude. What the hell?


There are so many women, (and men), out there who would give their left arm to be just in the same room with you. And now, you're just going to go get married and live happily ever after? Come on! You're killing us out here!


I know it's selfish to ask you to stay single just to help the rest of us maintain active fantasies about meeting you and falling in love, but, you know, if it's not too much trouble, it would be much appreciated.


Cause here's the thing, John: You've ruined us. That's right. It's really you're fault that we even feel this way to begin with. Most of us have watched you on The Office and in the many movies that have followed since and have fallen deeper and deeper into lust with you. You're portrayal of Jim Halpert has left many of us wondering, "Where's my Jim?" We expect to meet men who are sweet, handsome, quick witted, funny, kind, sensitive, and with an amazing head of hair. Instead, we meet the real men that are out in the world, and let me just tell you now, John, they suck. They suck BIG TIME.


So, what are we supposed to do now? I mean, I guess we can all hope that you realize just what you are doing to your hordes of fans by getting married and think better of it. However, that seems pretty unlikely since you're, you know, happy and all and you aren't a monkey dancing for our entertainment; you're an actual human being with a life of his own.


Look John, I want you to know now that we are all very happy for you and we wish for nothing but the best for yourself and Emily.


That being said, you should know that secretly, in a deep, dark, bad place inside each of us, we're all quietly hoping that Emily, as beautiful and lovely as she is, falls down a well. Not because we want you to be alone and not really because we want anything bad to happen to her. But because your not getting married allows for the rest of us to continue on with our lives in Fantasyland. And we're all pretty settled there now and, well, moving's a bitch.


So, I just wanted to put that out there for you. Feel free to roll that around in your head for a while. I know there's a lot to consider, and no one wants you to feel rushed into making a choice just yet.


All my love,

J

I tried running away from my problems but not only did they follow, they caught up and mauled me in the process.


I know that in a way, I asked for it. But, at the same time, I didn't want this. I was hoping that by being honest, people would be understanding and realize my true intentions with what I was saying. I wasn't trying to make anyone upset or angry or hurt them. Trust me, it was the last thing I wanted to do. But I did feel lonely, sad, and yes, I was venting. Part of the reason I even wrote anything at all is because I don't feel I can talk to the people who are making me feel this way. The irony is they are the only one's I want to talk to.


I don't have the best track record when it comes to being honest about how I'm feeling and standing up for myself. Writing in this, as silly and juvenille as it may seem, for me, felt like the only option I had or else I was going to lose it.


I just don't know what to do anymore. Every time I try to make it better, I seem to just make it worse. If I had the option, obviously I'd take back everything that's happened. Of course that's not going to happen, so I have to live with the consequences. However, at the same time, I don't think I should have to feel entirely at fault. Again, I know while I write this, I run the risk of making everyone even more angry than before. But I'm so tired of running. I'm so tired of feeling miserable and feeling like no one else cares. So, here it is.


You want me to except every single part of you? Fine. I swear to you, I will try my damndest to understand what your needs are. But I need to know that you're going to do the same for me. My friends are amazing individuals who support me and keep me strong. But at the same time, they can bring me lower than almost anyone else. And when I feel like I do so much, I want to know that it's appreciated; that I'm appreciated, because really, that's all this is about to me.


I can't explain it on here correctly. I can't really explain anything right now; I'm just all over the place. But I know that no matter what, I'm not going to give up. I feel like shit, I don't know where I stand with some of my friends, but damnit, I will not just give up.

...it's tempting to check out whether or not you are a good match as friends. It's a reassuring, too.

Taurus and Gemini

When Taurus and Gemini form a friendship, they both need to give each other time to learn about the dynamic of their connection. Both friends have a great deal to give one another! Gemini's Symbol is the Twins, and this Sign can often be of two minds about things. If Taurus can let go and give one Twin the security it wants while allowing the other Twin its freedom, this can be a resilient and long-lasting friendship. Early on, Taurus may want too much for Gemini's taste, but, if Taurus is willing to wait awhile, Gemini will eventually settle into a dependable friendship that both will enjoy.

Taurus and Gemini have different approaches to life; Taurus is more sedate and practical, and Gemini is intellectual. It can be hard for Gemini to accept the down to earth approach of Taurus. It might be hard for Taurus to accept Gemini's flightiness and occasional lack of substance. Taurus can help Gemini to be more involved in life and to see the depth of ideas rather than simply the surface. Gemini can help Taurus add variety and fun, bringing new excitement into both lives.

Taurus is ruled by the Planet Venus, and Gemini is ruled by the Planet Mercury. Both of these Planets are close to the Sun, so they're always in the same neighborhood even though they are very different. Venus is physical; it's about romance and sensuality. Mercury is communication, and has both masculine and feminine energy -- Gemini will take on any form it chooses. Taurus doesn't need to be dazzled with Gemini's brilliance, but wants a dependable friend who is attuned to the more sensual aspects of life. Gemini has a more intellectual approach but is good at understanding other people. A Gemini is able to perceive and understand their Taurus friend's needs and create circumstances through which their friend is fulfilled.

Taurus is an Earth Sign, and Gemini is an Air Sign. Gemini makes decisions based on intellect, while Taurus is more practical. Taurus asks, 'how will this help me achieve my goals in life?' while Gemini simply finds what interests them at the moment without having a set plan in mind. Conflicts can arise in this friendship if Taurus is too possessive, or Gemini is too aloof or detached. Both need to learn they view the world in different ways. Taurus can be too set in their ways for Gemini's taste, but Gemini may be too unpredictable for their Taurus pal. As long as Taurus understands that, although Gemini may share their time and attention with many other friends, their friendship is still important to them, things will be fine! Gemini must use their flexibility to bend to their friend's will on occasion.

Taurus is a Fixed Sign, and Gemini is a Mutable Sign. Taurus tends to be down-to-earth and focused on one project at a time, but Gemini likes to move from pastime to pastime as the feeling takes them. It's easy for Gemini to become interested in thing to which Taurus is devoted. In turn, Taurus needs to give Gemini the independence the Twins crave. Taurus can help Gemini's ideas produce something even if Gemini has moved on; Gemini can show Taurus that versatility is sometimes better than a fixed determination to do things one's own way.

The best aspect of the Taurus-Gemini friendship is the security the two can give each other once Taurus allows Gemini to offer that security freely. Both can learn to look at the world through new eyes when they open themselves to each other. As long as they communicate with one another, theirs will be a stable and happy friendship.

Dear A,


Believe it or not, I'm NOT your emotional punching bag, I'm your best friend. And yes, there is a difference.


I don't know what the hell your problem is and at this point, I don't think I care anymore. I'm usually a very compassionate and caring (at times too much) person but your constant bad attitude, mixed in with your mood swings, your bitter silences, and your bitchy comments have left me with a very bad taste in my mouth and I just don't have the patience for it, or you, anymore.


I really, really love you; more than you could ever know. You're my best friend in the world, and sometimes I even think you could be my missing half in a way; as in, you're like the peanut butter to my jelly... or something like that. Anyway, when I'm around you (when you're not being an insufferable ass-face) I feel calm, safe, and content; like I can really be myself. These feelings on my part leaves me constantly trying to seek your approval on things I know, in the saner part of my brain, I don't need your approval on. I find myself working hard to do things that I think will make you happy. You see it as mothering, but just so you know, I honestly do these things because I'm trying to be sweet. I offer to do things for you because I want to make you happy, as weird as that may sound. I like seeing my friends happy. Most of the time, I focus more on my friends' happiness than my own. You KNOW this.


Recently, and mainly I'm referring to this week, you've had absolutely no patience for me. Your fuse has been unbelievably short and you have snapped at me so many times, I'm surprised I haven't started screaming. And here's the real kicker: I have no idea what I'm doing wrong or just why you are getting so frustrated with me all the time with everything I say or don't say, do or don't do.


You said you hate fighting with me, and I believe you, but I don't think you realize just how much I HATE fighting with you. You get so angry so quickly and instead of admitting to any of the things you might actually be doing wrong in the situation, you turn it around on me every time and make me out to not only be the instigator but basically make it seem like I deserve to be treated the way you've been treating me. You yell at me, start listing off a laundry list of all my faults, and when I try to say something back, you scoff.


I am anything but perfect and let me tell you something, no one is more aware of my faults than me. But having my best friend constantly throw them back in my face because he's annoyed with me for something truly trivial is so unbelievably hurtful. Look, if you have a problem with me, tell me because chances are, I DON'T KNOW. You say I expect people to read my mind, but let me tell you buddy, you could write a BOOK on it. Don't bottle up everything and take it out on me with snide remarks and a bitchy attitude when I have no way of knowing what it is I'm doing that makes you so angry all the time. I'm sick of having to walk around on egg shells because I don't know whether or not you're in a good mood.


I wish I had the courage to say this to your face. But, again, you get angry so quickly that my brain literally stops, I freeze up, and I'd much rather go cry up in my room about how I'm obviously an awful person and friend, than try to defend myself to the one person who's supposed to be there for me and love me no matter what. If you read this, which I'm still not sure if you will, but on the off chance that you do, just know that I'm actually not writing this to make you angry. Yes, I'm venting a tiny bit, but honestly, I'm just tired of feeling emotionally battered all the time. I'm sick of not feeling like I can be honest with you about my feelings because then I'll be branded as emotional. And, I admit, I just don't have the strength right now to risk getting into a huge blowout with out over this.


All I want is for you to give me a break, be my friend again, and for God's sake, stop being such a bully all the time.


You know what's the saddest part about this though? Even when you snap and yell and make me feel like I'm a horrible person, I still want nothing more than to see you happy again because you're my best friend and I love you.


I guess you're right; I really am mean.

Right now I'm sitting in my bed in California contemplating whether or not I should attempt sleep since I have to be up pretty early for work tomorrow or if I should stay up a little longer, work on my dad's scarf that I'm making him for Christmas and watch episodes of South Park online.


I know. It's all so incredibly exciting.


Thing is, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be doing much else in Ashland. And don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying being back in my old room and spending time with my friends and family. However, I can't help but feel somewhat homesick, which is funny since I just moved into a new house and am still not completely settled.


I guess I just miss my friends a lot and things, while good at home here in California, just aren't the same as they once were. Of course, I never really expected them to stay the same and for the most part, I'm glad they aren't. All of us are growing up and the fact that we still get along so well is exciting and somewhat of a relief because it reminds me that even though we live far away from one another, we're still able to be friends and spend time together without really losing anything. But, at the same time, things have changed. We're all growing up in different ways and sometimes our differences are really apparent. Sometimes, I feel uncomfortable; like I can't truly be myself because the people here expect certain things of me.


The amazing thing about going away to school - away from all the people who have known me most of, if not my whole, life is that I really got a chance to test the waters. There were a lot of things I've done in the past year and a half that I would never have done otherwise. Not everything was good, but certainly not everything was bad. Just different. My point is, though, that I got the opportunity to try them because I no longer felt the pressure to behave a certain way. I gave myself permission to mess up, to be bold, to make bad decisions and try new things. It was wonderful. It was scary. But most of all, it helped me to learn a lot about myself. I'm still young and I'm still learning, but I'm slowly, and sometimes painfully, becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin.


Now, in saying all this, I realize I'm probably making it sound like I wasn't comfortable before with who I was, which isn't true. I was happy before, I really was. But it's impossible to stay one way forever when you're forced into a brand new place with brand new people and brand new situations.


So, getting back to my point (I have a tendency to get to these things in the most long-winded sort of ways).


While I was doing all this growing and changing while in Ashland, my friends were doing the same things, just in different places. At our core, we're still the same dorky kids who sat outside at lunch under our tree and made innappropriate sex jokes, talked about choir and theater, and how we couldn't wait to get out of high school, but we've been away from one another for the better part of a year. Our tastes have changed and while we're still able to be friends, we've lost some of the easy communication and commodery that comes with spending everyday with someone. We have our own inside jokes with new people; new stories and memories; new favortie songs and movies; new loves; new hates; new friends. We have so many new things that sometimes, it can make spending time with each other feel like we're meeting for the first time again. Sometimes, it works, but sometimes it doesn't.


I guess what I'm really trying to say is I really don't know what to expect from the people here in Walnut Creek anymore. I love my friends dearly and they will always be important to me, but I'm starting to wonder if those promises of being close forever and never drifting apart ever really stood a chance. It makes me so sad to think that when I'm away, I hardly speak to the people I once called my best friends. And it's not anyone's fault, not completely at least. Everyone involved is to blame in some way. Some things like busy and conflicting schedules, stress, new friends or boy/girlfriends are unavoidiable. But then, when I sit back and think about the times where I wasn't that busy and I didn't take a moment to call or text just to say hi and give a quick update on my life...


My friends here have so many new things going on in their lives that I'm missing out on and that I don't know about, and there are so many things in my life that they're missing out on as well... I just can't help but wonder if this is growing pains that we'll get through or if this is just the beginning of the end.


I know, I know. I'm being horribly morbid and depressing. I'm honestly not trying to be. I'm just thinking a lot about a lot of things. I've only been home for four days and it seems like already I'm questioning everything I once knew. I don't mean to be, but to be perfectly honest, these are questions I've been stewing over for quite some time now.


Anyway, like I said, I've only been home a few days. I don't need to get too worried just yet. We're all just adjusting.


The only bummer is that just like before, by the time we've gotten comfortable, we'll all have to go our seperate ways again and then the next time we see each other, we'll all have to start over again.


Damn.

I don't have much to say tonight.



Okay. So that's a bold-faced lie. I have many things to say. I have so many things to say that I can hardly hold it all in.



However, I don't want to get into it all right now. Or rather, I really can't. For my own sanity and for the sanity of this journal, I just... can't.



But, I did want to say one thing and this is truly all I'm going to say:



Men, no matter what their age, personality type, relationship to you, or even sexual preference, will always let you down. Sometimes it's by total and complete accident and most of the time (I would like to think) they don't even realize what they're doing until it's too late. However, my point still remains. No matter what, who, or how they are, men will ALWAYS let you down.



'Night.

I'm hiding out in my room while Alex watches 300 out in the living room.


I'm hiding out because last night we got into a huge fight and haven't said anything to each other since.


Don't bother asking what started the fight, because I don't have a clue. But I do know it escalated extremely fast and turned to something that was not what it originally was. I stormed out and sat outside (freezing my ass off, mind you) for a little over an hour while he took a shower, got some overnight things, and left for Joey's.


For the record, he did not say anything to me about going to Joey's. Which, that in itself, hurt horribly on top of everything else. I know my storming out wasn't too mature, but my reason for leaving was to clear my mind a bit so I didn't say things I would regret. Besides, I didn't leave, I just stepped outside and he knew I was leaving. But when he left, it was the fact that he didn't even say a single word to me about it. He just gathered his stuff, changed in the bathroom, and left. I'm sorry, but that just started some serious abandonment stuff for me.


I keep thinking I should at least leave my room but I'm worried and exhausted both mentally and emotionally from a really bad day. I haven't felt this way in a really long time. I know it sounds melo-dramatic, but the last time I felt like this was when Jack broke up with me. Granted, I was in a much worse state, however the feelings I've had both last night and today were very, very similar and made me only feel worse.


When I got home, Alex was sitting in the front. He said hello and I think he wanted to say more, even if it was just to ask where I had been, but I answered a phone call instead and made a bee-line for my room where, like I said before, I am now haled up in. Anyway, like I said, I do want to talk to him and I know we have to at some point. However, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still a little angry at how he treated me, how things went, ect., and that I wasn't still very, very hurt about it all.


I dunno.


I think I'm just going to go pretend/actually go clean the kitchen. That way, if he wants, he can come talk to me. Being in an open space like that where there isn't a door and four walls trapping us in together seems a whole lot less intimidating.


Wish me luck.


Fuck.

I am a little doped up right now, I'm not going to lie. So, if any of this makes very little to absolutely no sense, you at least know why. Oh, and I can pretty much guarantee that this entire thing is long, rambling, and pretty much pointless. But I'm bored and hyped up on vicodin so if you want to see what it's doing to me, then by all means, keep reading. I mean, I'm just as interested to see what I am going to say while in this state as I'm sure some of you are.


So, yeah. Enjoy. :)


On Friday I had my wisdom teeth taken out and while most of the pain is gone, sometimes I overwork my jaw and I get pretty sore. So, I take a vicodin or 2 and poof! All better! Thing is, it really messes with my head most of the time, especially since I haven't been able to eat all that much recently. Anyway, I guess I'm mainly writing this as a sort of disclaimer so, if you read the rest of this, you'll know why I may sound a little off.


Anyway, like I said, I just got my wisdom teeth out. Yes, it sucked royally, but I've done pretty well, all things considered. I went to an oral surgeon who put me under completely for the procedure. All I can remember is getting the laughing gas and talking to my nurse for about 20 minutes before my doctor came in and gave me the anesthesia. The next thing I can remember is waking up, but my eyes were still closed and I could feel my doctor pulling out these rubber things from the back of my mouth that he had used to keep it open. It was all very surreal, to be quite honest. And, even though I've had surgery a couple of times before, I've never been so groggy after anesthesia . I mean, they took me to the recovery room and I just slept. Then, when they needed me to get up so I could get into the wheelchair, I had a really hard time moving. I could hardly sit up straight, let alone stand. I remember joking to the nurse that I felt drunk and while she laughed, she advised me not to mention this fact to my grandmother who had taken me to my appointment since both my parents were working. When I got home, I was still pretty numb so I ate some noodles while I still could then passed out in bed while watching The Office.


So really, not all that exciting, but I thought it was worth mentioning.


On Friday night, Priya and Stacey came by to visit me and see how I was doing. They even brought me some chocolate pudding which was greatly appreciated. It was nice to have some company since I had spent the whole day by myself. In fact, the only real company I had had was my pug, Winston, who just slept on my bed with me. It's amazing how isolating something like getting your wisdom teeth out can be. I mean, I couldn't go out because I couldn't drive and no one really wants to come over and just sit there with me while I hold ice packs up to my swollen cheeks. However, I really appreciated their company, even if it was only for a little bit. Alex also called a couple times which really made me feel a lot better too. It was a bit difficult to talk to him because that kid kept making me laugh and it hurt so much to smile, but in the end, it was worth it. Again, I was feeling pretty lonely, so the pain was a minor inconvenience.


Yesterday, I was feeling pretty good so I went out with a couple people to see the movie Shoot Em Up with Clive Owen and Paul Giamatti. For the record, this movie can really only be appreciated if you 1) Go with a group of people, preferably guys, who will love the non-stop action and 2) have a open mind and carefree attitude about it. Obviously, this wasn't Oscar-worthy writing, acting, or directing. However, that doesn't change the fact that I actually really enjoyed myself. Again, it might have been the fact that I was out of the house and with a group of friends who were all very sweet to me and my swollen-ness (something that I'm actually very sensitive about). However, the movie wasn't bad, it was just insane. But, I think sometimes that can be a really good thing. It reminded me a little of Sin City, but, (and I'm sure there will be people who are going to hate me for saying this) I actually liked this more than I did Sin City. That's just me, though.


So. What else can I talk about while I'm still high on vicodin and that can help me stay busy since I'm bored out of my DAMN MIND?


Hey, did anyone watch Britney on the VMA's?


No? Me either.


Just thought I'd ask.


I heard she was bad. I bet you can find the video of it on youtube.


Honestly, that girl just makes me sad. She needs to get out of LA and just worry about herself and her kids. If she's not careful, she's going to lose them. Not to mention this supposed "comeback" couldn't be coming at a worse time for her. Isn't she actually in the middle of a custody battle? And yet she still goes out of her way to go out all the time and party? What happened to her going to rehab for that small amount of time?


Look, I know she's young and confused and alone, but still. At what point do you stop fucking around and start taking responsibility for yourself and your actions? Not to mention that she is a mother of two very young children who need her to not only take better care of them, but herself as well. I just hope that she realizes sooner, rather than later, that right now, there are many more important things that going out and partying, like her career and especially her family.


That's just my two cents, though.


Um, is there really anything else to talk about?


Okay, yes, there is TONS. Like the fact that I'm moving up to Ashland on Friday. Or the fact that school starts in two weeks. Or that my brother is hanging out with his coke-head friend again. Or that I know that some of my best friends are keeping secrets from me. Or that I might be developing more than friendly feelings for someone who I should not be and that will only end in heartbreak for myself. Or that I'm scared of a lot of things that are going to come about this year.


The thing is, I don't really want to talk about all that right now. There will probably come a time when I will, but for now, I kinda just want to sweep it under the rug and pretend it's not there. No, it's not really healthy, but I doubt it would be much better if I tried to figure out some of the more important things in my life while on vicodin.


Let's just hope things work out for the best and call it a night, shall we?


Alright. I think I've done enough pointless rambling for the night. I hope you enjoyed reading (those of you who actually read this) and I promise next time, I will actually write something with a clear beginning, middle, and end.


Goodnight, kiddies.

I haven't written anything, let alone a journal entry, in far too long. So, I figured it couldn't hurt to start up again. Besides, I used to really enjoy writing in here and it's not like I have to worry about anyone I do or do not know reading it. I mean, if people want to read, that's fine. I don't really see how this would be that entertaining but maybe it has the same effect as a train wreck; you want to look away, but it's horrifically hypnotic.


Anyway, to be quite honest, I think the last time I really wrote in here was when I was still dealing with the whole "Jack situation". By the way, it may seem petty, but from now on I'm just going to call him X mainly because I get tired of writing and reading his name over and over again. It may be a year since the whole ugly mess started and ended, but the memories are still pretty fresh in my mind. And, unfortunately for me, he still likes to bug me every so often which is just a pain in my ass anymore rather than a seriously painful thing for me to deal with like it used to be. Honestly, I don't know why he feels the need to keep in contact every so often. Well, okay, I guess I can somewhat understand the reasoning behind it, but I don't share that same view, I suppose. For me, dealing with him is just a chore that leaves me feeling emotionally and mentally exhausted. I have no feelings for him anymore but when he gets in contact with me, I always end up thinking about "us" and it just starts a weird process in my head. I suppose you could call it nostalgia, but I have always been under the impression that nostalgia is a nice sensation that leaves a person feeling wistful, yet ultimately happy.


I always end up feeling like I just ate something rotten.


Basically, I try to avoid contact with him if I can help it. If he calls, I'll pick up more as a courtesy and so he won't call again later, but I'm never the one to call him first. I don't text him, I don't email him and I certainly do not call. In fact, I went through a period of time where I got rid of everything I had that reminded me of him. Well, at least I tried to. I was in my dorm room at the time so I could only do so much and while I would have liked to rip up his shirt or destroy the stuffed animals he gave me or throw the necklace he gave me for my birthday out the window, I couldn't really bring myself to do it. So instead, I destroyed things like pictures, notes, and things of that nature. For example with the pictures, I tried ceremoniously burning them, but it didn't work as well as I had hoped. I was really worried about accidentally setting my carpet on fire so in the end I cut all the pictures up, paying special attention to his head, and threw them away. Same with the notes, ticket stubs, and other... things (Which I will not be discussing in here, thank you very much). As for the rest, I put it all in a box, dumped a bottle of perfume on it that I used to wear when he and I were together, and gave to my best friend to give to him. Was it slightly childish? Yes. Was it slightly spiteful? Maybe. Was it totally worth it? Abso-fucking-lutely.


All that aside, though, things have been good. This past year was interesting to say the least. There were some very difficult moments, but some moments that were equal in their amazing-ness. College is everything, and nothing, like I expected it to be. I guess you could say I had my quintessential moments of experimentation which seem to be a requirement when you go to college. Now, when I say these things I must ask of you all (to whom I am speaking to, I have no idea, but let's pretend, shall we?) not to judge. Not that you would, but I think I am writing that more for my sake than for anyone else's. It's still hard for me to reconcile the idea that I was so straight edge and "perfect-little-choir-girl" for so long and then I went a little wild when I first went off to school.


Now, let me make it clear now that I never had a particularly restrictive home life. My parents are very loving and supportive and while we may fight, just like any family, I was always safe, taken care of, and for the most part, happy. Anyway, I have come to believe that the reason for some of my erratic behavior in my first term at school was a result from my horribly painful breakup, which I was still very much so dealing with when I went to school. In fact, I know that one of the main reasons I was so homesick was because I missed X just as much as I missed my friends and family. It's sad to think that my first few months away from home were made that much more difficult because I was so horribly heartbroken, but I've come to terms with it.


Anyway, when I first started school, I felt this need within myself to change myself as much as possible. Again, I realize now that this was my personal form of rebellion towards X and my relationship and the person I was when I was with him. If there was something about me that could be linked back to him, I wanted to change it immediately. For example, he used to always love my long hair, especially when it was straightened. So, one day I went downtown and got about 10 inches cut off and I would wear it curly from then on. Also, I gave away certain clothes that he had liked and refused to wear specific outfits that I knew he had liked.


He used to say he loved my cute little nose. I got it pierced within the first two weeks of school.


Now, these things are not what I mean when I say I experimented this year, but in a way, they were just as important than the others because this year wasn't just about trying new things. It sounds cheesy, but I grew up a lot this past year and learned a whole hell of a lot about myself. Honestly, I feel people should go to college for a year just so they can get the experience. Who cares what you're studying, because really it's not about that. Okay, yes, it is, but in the big picture, no one cares what your grade point average was or which papers you did your best on. What people want to know and what you ultimately take away with you are the experiences you have when you are out of the classroom.


Okay. So. To the "experimenting" part of my year.


Seriously, I've built it up so much that really it's going to sound really lame now. But whatever. You've had fair warning.


All my life I've been "Ms. Goody-Two-Shoes, perfect grades, teacher's pet, never drank, partied, or did drugs in my life". This year I did the opposite of everything I would have done normally. Some of it stemmed from genuine curiosity. Some of it came from wanting to make friends when I was so desperately scared of being alone. However, a lot of it came from the idea that by doing things X would never have thought I would do, I was somehow rubbing it in his face that without him, everything was game. Not healthy in the least, but what can I say? I was having a really hard time. I partied a lot, so much so that my grades started to really suffer. I stayed up much later than any person ever should and hung out with the people who were heavy into drugs and sex, two things that I had very little, or no, experience with. I tried some drugs, drank a lot, "hooked up" with people that I always questioned the next day and basically tried to find different ways to distract myself. It wasn't until after my second term at school that I started really wondering what I was doing. I was having fun sometimes, but for the most part, I felt lost and out of place. I wasn't experimenting anymore so much as I was desperately trying to be something I'm not. So, I started drifting away from the people I had been so "close" with at the beginning of the year and started hanging out with people who I truly felt close with. I learned very quickly who my real friends were and in a matter of weeks, I began feeling so much more at home. My last term (we're on a quarter system, by the way) was by far the most fun I've had so far.


Since school got out, I've been home balancing my time between work and my friends from high school. I've had a really nice, relaxing summer and I feel like I've been able to balance my new self with my old self (I let my hair grow long again, but I upgraded the stud in my nose to a ring). I thought seeing my friends from home would be weird, but for the most part, it's been great. We've all changed a little, but I know that with my main circle of friends, nothing can really ever tear us apart because we have too strong a foundation (knock on wood, right?)


Anyway, there's the short version of what this past year has been like for me. Trust me, there are stories and anecdotes galore, but I think I'm going to save those for another time. I mean, it's been a year since the last time I wrote in one of these things; I have to pace myself. :)


Cheers!

I'm pretty sure that no one really reads this anymore, but just to be safe, I'm writing and posting this for a few reasons:

1) So people won't be confused when I am not online for the rest of the week.

2) So people won't be confused when I don't answer phone calls or texts for the rest of the week.

3) So people know what the consequences for the actions will be if I am disturbed this week.

So, for those of you who have been living under a rock for the past ten years, there's this series called Harry Potter. Suffice to say, the books are amazing and I am beyond obsessed. I have, literally, grown up with the characters and the books. Anyway, on Saturday, July 21st at 12:01 in the morning, I will be receiving my copy of the final book in the series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. But why, some of you may be wondering, does this mean I will not be coming to the computer for the rest of the week? Well, here's the story.

Apparently, but not altogether surprisingly, some fucktards have been posting "spoilers" online pertaining to the book, including important information such as who lives and who dies. Now, there are many different spoilers out there, some possibly real, but most fake. However, as I have already had two incidents while online of being almost potentially spoiled, I refuse to let this happen again.

Look, I know it sounds crazy but unless you love the books as much as I, or any other Harry Potter fan, does, you won't understand. I'm not exaggerating when I say I've grown up with these books. I started reading them when I was 11, and have been patiently waiting for each book since then. Now, it's finally about to end, which also means that 8 years of love and devotion towards this series, this author, and this story are coming to and end as well. Again, I know it sounds crazy, but I am emotionally invested in these books and these characters and I have waited too long for some stupid, shit-for-brains asswipe with no dick to come along and spoil it for me.

Look. The book is coming out on Friday and there are a lot of mean people out there who want to spoil it for me and all the other Harry Potter fans out there. So, in order to protect myself from being potentially spoiled (but we all know that this is probably better for the people who would try to spoil me seeing as I would KILL THEM WITH MY BARE HANDS) I am staying away from the internet until I finish the book which should be sometime Saturday night. Of course, I will be spending most of Saturday and Sunday sobbing and sleeping, so don't expect me back online until Monday.

Anyway, for those of you who read Harry Potter, please be careful about what you say while people are still finishing the books and also be careful about where you look online. People are trying to ruin this because they think it's funny, but it obviously isn't.

And for those of you who don't read the books, please be respectful of my wishes about the book as well as others who want to read them. And I'm not kidding; if anyone tries to jokingly leave spoilers on my page or in a text or voicemail, I will make you the most miserable person on Earth. Ask any of my friends and they will tell you this: I am the last person you want to mess with because I will seriously fuck you up.

Thanks guys and see you all on Monday!

Have you ever had a moment where everything around you is in such a state of disarray that you can barely stand up and face yourself in the mirror? Maybe it's melodramatic, but I feel like I'm quickly and quietly drowning and everyone else is too busy to notice.

I'm not trying to pin my feelings and thoughts on anyone else; it's completely understandable to be busy and most people have a hard enough time dealing with their own problems, let alone trying and deal with other people's drama. I guess I'm the opposite of that, though. I avoid my own problems by immersing myself in other people's problems. I've been a procrastinator my whole life and this applies to my personal life as well. I would much rather put on a veneer of being happy than bother anyone else, or myself, with the problems that are slowly suffocating me. I like knowing that I am there for someone else and am able to comfort them in a time of need, because it makes me temporarily forget how I don't feel that way about anyone else.

But I'm reaching a point where, literally, if I don't say something soon or if something in my life doesn't change, I'm kinda scared at what might happen. I'm not saying I'm going to lose my shit and go bonkers on everyone around me or try and do something to myself, but I am worried nonetheless. I feel like there's always this huge weight crushing me and part of it is other people's problems, but a good portion is my own. And again, I bring a lot of that on myself because for some reason, I feel that if I can fix other people's problems and be there for them, that somehow, my shit will get fixed and people will reciprocate. Unfortunately, this has pretty much never been true for me.

I just can't take this. I need to know that I'm not alone all the time, but it's getting harder and harder to feel like there are people there for me and more and more often I find myself all alone and sad. I've been pretending for months and months now that I'm happy, when really I'm not. I have happy moments and enjoy being with people, but as soon as I get back to my room and I am left alone with my thoughts... it's just awful.

I know I need help, but I don't know how to ask or where or even what to say. I know I have friends who love me, but more and more often, I get the impression that most of the time, I'm seen as more of a burden. I'm more sensitive than most people assume, and sometimes, really small things get to me and leave me feeling absolutely worthless. And perhaps it sounds selfish, but sometimes, I just need some sort of affirmation that I'm not.

In this last year, so much of my faith and my strength has been tested. What with my mom having cancer, my heart being broken, my friends moving away to go make new friends and start new lives, and now recently my brother getting into a car crash that could have killed him... I want to ask for help, but I don't know who to turn to anymore. I feel so lost and so alone... the loneliness is palpable.

Look, if anyone actually reads this entire thing, I don't want you to think that I'm trying to make anyone feel guilty or upset. I've just been having a really difficult time lately and I've been holding so much in so as not to bother other people with my problems. But it's gotten to the point where I have to say something or I'm going to explode. Even now, I feel the need to apologize for writing this.


But I just needed to say something.

The first flush of youth was upon you when our eyes first met
And I knew that to you and into your life I had to get
I felt light-headed at the touch of this stranger's hand
An assault my defences systematically failed to withstand

'Cos you came at a time
When the pursuit of one true love in which to fall
Was the be all and end all

Love is only a feeling
(Drifting away)
When I'm in your arms I start believing
(It's here to stay)
But love is only a feeling
Anyway

The state of elation that this unison of hearts achieved
I had seen, I had touched, I had tasted and I truly believed

That the light of my life
Would tear a hole right through each cloud that scudded by
Just to beam on you and I

Love is only a feeling
(Drifting away)
When I'm in your arms I start believing
(It's here to stay)
But love is only a feeling
Anyway, anyway

Love is only a feeling
(Drifting away)
And we've got to stop ourselves believing
(It's here to stay)
'Cos love is only a feeling
Anyway.



God damnit, I just wish I could forget that he ever exsisted. I wish I had never known him and that I had never fallen in love. I know people say that it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all, but I am here to say that those people are FUCKING STUPID.

If I had the choice now to have never had been with him, I would choose it in a heartbeat.

Please, leave my mind. Just go.

See, this is why people do drugs. And this is also why I haven't quit smoking. Even if it numbs me for only a second, it's still a second that I don't feel that seemingly constant pain.



I'm going to go smoke now.

It's amazing to think that even after all this time and distance, I still can cry so easily and am still hurting just as much about it now as I was when it first happened.

And whether you know it and choose not to acknowledge it, or you really are that oblivious, you don't do anything to try and help.

Some "friend" you turned out to be.

Give me a reason (I don't believe a word)
To end this discussion (of anything I've heard)
To break with tradition (they tell me that it's not so hard)
To fold and divide (it's not so hard)
So let's not get carried (away with everything)
Away with the process (from here to in-between)
of elimination (the long goodbye)
I don't want to waste your time.

They carved a message deep within our broken hearts that failed to mend:
Make out kids never had a chance to be best friends.

We fail to keep in touch these days,
I'm liquid cold, she's murder grey,
Hollowed by circumstance that pushed us both away.

I'm not smiling
behind this fake veneer

You're the echoes of my everything,
You're the emptiness the whole world sings at night.
You're the laziness of afternoon,
You're the reason why I burst and why I bloomed..
You're the leaky sink of sentiment,
You're the failed attempts I never could forget.
You're the metaphors I can't create to comprehend this curse that I call love...






Doing this keeps me from doing many other, stupid things.


Happy would-have-been 7 months.

You're totally right, every action was well rehearsed.

Performance is usually associated with things such as theater, performance art, and different types of entertainment like sports, music, and dance. However, as I sat on the phone with my ex-boyfriend Jack the other day, I realized that our conversation, as well as our whole relationship, was a performance; we were performing for ourselves and for each other. Before, when we were still getting to know each other as friends, we acted as though any feelings that were more than pure were nothing more than a passing fancy. When we were still together and “in love”, we acted as the happy couple, our performance being just as much for ourselves as it was for friends and families. And after our breakup, our performance came out of a desperate need to mask our feelings and insecurities, as well as to avoid any awkward moments and to regain some semblance of normalcy in this not-so-normal situation. In our three act saga, Jack and I performed to hide what we were really feeling, to impress others, and to try to forget something that turned out to mean so much more than either of us had anticipated.
While I will try to spare the gory details, Jack and I met when we were in eighth grade. Our best friends were dating and being that we were the designated wing-men, we bonded. As the years progressed, our friendship went through ups and downs, until during our Senior year, we seemed to finally hit our stride. While becoming closer, it quickly became evident to those around us - our audience - that our feelings for one another were rapidly becoming more than just friendly. We saw each other more often, talked on the phone for hours at a time, and hung out together in situations that appeared to be more like dates than innocent get togethers. Of course, neither of us would have ever admitted to our changing dynamic. Our performance as friends was so much more comfortable and safer than trying to branch out to see what could happen.
In time, however, the truth did come out and within a week, Jack and I were officially a couple. Within our relationship, we experienced the different stages of transition from friends to boyfriend and girlfriend. At first, our performance was timid, shy, and nervous; we both were afraid of overstepping boundaries, making the wrong move, or of or saying the wrong line. As comfort and routine began to set in, our performance became that of the happy couple. Our friends and family all watched as we became close and fell “in love”. They cheered us on in our happiest moments, cried with us in our saddest, and watched as we fell deeper and deeper into what can only be called a serious relationship.
But like any good play, we had problems which we had to overcome and obstacles we had to face. Drugs played a large part in many of our fights, both being about his choice to do them and my choice not to, as well as time, or lack thereof, spent together. In many ways, our fights became rituals; I’d bring up my concerns, he would become defensive, I would become offended, and in the end we would both walk away angry and hurt. And yet, somehow through all of that, we still played our parts; we acted as the happy couple and our audience had yet to realize that our performance was just as much for us as it was for them.
Our final bow came during the last weekend Jack was in town before leaving for college in San Diego. We had talked about it and decided that there was no need to say our final goodbyes just yet. Yes, the distance was great, but we felt that if we could make it through all that we had already, we at least owed it to ourselves to try and work on a long distance relationship. Our audience and “fans” all approved and told us that if anyone could make it, we were the ones to do it. Jack and I smiled at them, putting on our own performances within a performance of feeling and being sure and steady. But three days before Jack left and two days after our anniversary, he came to me, tears in his eyes, stating that he couldn’t do it. Going off to school was too much of a strain on a relationship and to go off only to later breakup when we were away at school was unfair to both of us. I pleaded and cried, putting on the most heart wrenching and painful performance of my life, praying that it would change his mind, but my tears were the only thing I was left with in the end of our brilliant dance.
To look back at our play and see how we have changed, I feel like I do not even know who either of us was in the beginning or even now. We speak in polite terms whenever we do talk, trying to avoid even a whisper of what we once had for fear of breaking our new and already fragile characters. However, to anyone looking at us from the outside, it is apparent just how much hurt is still there. Jack and I are over, but our play is not; we have merely changed as characters and the plot is now headed in a different direction. And while we may have acted for those around us before, now we act for ourselves, trying to be happy and normal, but really just protecting ourselves from the awful truth: It was all an act.

"The Brilliant Dance"

So this is odd
The painful realization that has all gone wrong
And nobody cares at all
And nobody cares at all

So, you buried all your lover's clothes
And burned the letters lover wrote
But it doesn't make it any better
Does it make it any better?
And the plaster dented from your fist
In the hall where you had your first kiss
Reminds you that the memories will fade

So this is strange
Our sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance
Where nobody leads at all
Where nobody leads at all

And the picture frames are facing down
And the ringing from this empty sound
Is deafening and keeping you from sleep
And breathing is a foreign task
And thinking's just too much to ask
And you're measuring your minutes by a clock that's blinking eight

Well, this is incredible
Starving, insatiable
Yes, this is love for the first time
Well, you'd like to think that you were invincible
Yeah, well weren't we all once before we felt loss for the first time?
Well, this is the last time
Well, this is the last time
This is the last time.

Doesn't it bother you at all that I am forever going to be closer to your mother than you? And the fact that she has to apologize for your actions... isn't it a little sad? Perhaps embarassing?

Just give me one good reason why I should ever reconsider...

That is, unless you're too "busy". Because we ALL know that you are...

Idiot.